Learning to Love

 I told the man I learned to love and fell into caring about that I wanted to date him, he said yes after telling me like four times it's really hard, he didn't know if I wanted to do that. I told him we'd already been doing it since June... he said yes, then said in a low tone, I need to call him more. The next day I felt like maybe he really didn't want to commit, so I let him go telling him that I really did want him, I wanted more than dating even, he calmly listened to everything and replied sometimes. I felt loved with our conversations on the way to the airport... but like now, it's been two days I sent random hello texts and such, even a Merry Christmas, but I haven't heard anything from him... but he's checking into FB or FB Chat every hour or so today :( and it's breaking my heart to think he's answering other people, but not me. Am I so incredibly boring to people? I don't know... or I hurt him so badly the last few months that he's paying me back? he did that once before when we first met...  either way, I've been crying it hurts so badly to feel ignored. I need to talk to him about it, but not via text, obviously... 

I'm hurting so badly... I just want to feel truly cared about and be able to talk back and forth daily via text and phonecall.

Loss of a friendship

 I've been kinda side-sad lately, so I brought it into focus and realize I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a friend, that is wasn't real on the other end, but almost more that they lost my close true friendship. I'm freaking amazing, loyal, honest, and I'll love them and look out for their best interests... if you need something, I'll be there in whatever it is that *YOU* need (you may have to tell me sometimes what that is, but once I know, I'll provide it if I can), I'll try to figure out your love language or straight up ask, so that you always feel loved by me in the way *you* need... I thought I had trust issues until I had my eyes opened, now I see so many more broken people, some like a broken picture frame, some like shards of glass, some still like dust in the winds, they lost themselves and it seems impossible to find the pieces. I will always wish people well, even the ones who've hurt me the most. I learned long ago to look at things from "their point of view" and I became far more forgiving and understanding of people's choices, albeit some tragic... I forgive them because I see into their broken souls and realize they were never capable of sharing a true friendship with me, they need to mend their broken souls first before they can ever notice someone else's needs and not only their own... but I will never trust them with my heart again...

October Rage

But my poor choices and shitty people did change me. I will always keep my word, yes, but...

I'm not as empathetic, I'm not sure that I even have that capability anymore, feeling switched off two years, six months, and ten days ago and since then, I hardly feel things, when I do, it surprises me. I cried last month out of a self directed rage for being so incredibly stupid as to let myself be hurt again, by being vulnerable again. What a fucking idiot. The hurt itself was because I loved and thought I was loved in return, but clearly I was not cared for in the way I needed, perhaps I didn't express what I needed, but I'd thought I was understood enough for that person to know and never hurt me. Bam, hurt. I'll probably forgive you for hurting me when I've already told you what hurts me, but I will never feel the same about you again, it will be very cold, you'll be at a distance from the protected part of my heart where you had my emotional connection (very few have reached that spot, but those who have also lost it, not that they cared apparently...).

I'm giving, but I won't give my last dollar anymore because I want it myself; go work, go ask a church, go to a food drive, save your own fucking money like I've done by denying myself shit, help your damn self like I've had to help myself all my life.

Nowadays, I put myself in first place and decide if it's for my good that I put you first sometimes, because that shit isn't always healthy when it's a narcissist or manipulative person who is only about them and will never give and take equally with you. I won't offer to help you pay for something, I won't offer to help you, I won't offer a friendly suggestion... unless it's a random stranger in a random store because they didn't manipulate me, they didn't have an agenda.

I can't say that I've ever felt that I've received as I've given when I've cared about someone, usually they hurt the hell out off me... From all the shitty people I've had in my life (yes, yes, my poor choice in other humans), I truly feel I will never find a partner to share life, which sucks when at heart I'm a bloody romantic that wants nothing but to gift my love to someone and be gifted the same in return..... and I've concluded that my person simply does not exist and I must either settle, or live completely lonely for my lifetime...

A King's Beginning

Kyōdo the lion walked alone, always so lonely. 

He was strong, too strong, burning too brightly,

At first some lions would linger nearby, 

As though they were friends, always a lie. 

The pride would play a short while, 

Then say, Oh but we were beguiled!

The pride wouldn't see the source of flame. 

They thought it was too intense, he was to blame. 

Left so many times, confused and broke,

Kyōdo began crying, like rain he would soak.

Hyenas in disguise, that's what they were,

Preying on strength, the fire in his purr.

Feeding on his kills, borrowing his might,

abusing his strength, for they were slight.

Once they had tamed him, laughing they'd run,

Oh but bandits, they crushed hearts for fun.

Then one day he woke, a whisper at his side,

Lo, your soul burns with so much inside,

Look deep within, see your soul dancing?

You burn so intensely, the heat isn't glancing. 

Fire turned blue, stop, feel the heat,

If you can do this, you won't see defeat!

Learn to feel and dance in your fire,

Hyenas fears will then be set afire.

Soon after that day, a new pride came along,

Burning more brightly, Kyōdo'd become strong. 

And learning to temper the heat exposed,

With the new pride, he began his repose.