Loss of a friendship

 I've been kinda side-sad lately, so I brought it into focus and realize I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a friend, that is wasn't real on the other end, but almost more that they lost my close true friendship. I'm freaking amazing, loyal, honest, and I'll love them and look out for their best interests... if you need something, I'll be there in whatever it is that *YOU* need (you may have to tell me sometimes what that is, but once I know, I'll provide it if I can), I'll try to figure out your love language or straight up ask, so that you always feel loved by me in the way *you* need... I thought I had trust issues until I had my eyes opened, now I see so many more broken people, some like a broken picture frame, some like shards of glass, some still like dust in the winds, they lost themselves and it seems impossible to find the pieces. I will always wish people well, even the ones who've hurt me the most. I learned long ago to look at things from "their point of view" and I became far more forgiving and understanding of people's choices, albeit some tragic... I forgive them because I see into their broken souls and realize they were never capable of sharing a true friendship with me, they need to mend their broken souls first before they can ever notice someone else's needs and not only their own... but I will never trust them with my heart again...

October Rage

But my poor choices and shitty people did change me. I will always keep my word, yes, but...

I'm not as empathetic, I'm not sure that I even have that capability anymore, feeling switched off two years, six months, and ten days ago and since then, I hardly feel things, when I do, it surprises me. I cried last month out of a self directed rage for being so incredibly stupid as to let myself be hurt again, by being vulnerable again. What a fucking idiot. The hurt itself was because I loved and thought I was loved in return, but clearly I was not cared for in the way I needed, perhaps I didn't express what I needed, but I'd thought I was understood enough for that person to know and never hurt me. Bam, hurt. I'll probably forgive you for hurting me when I've already told you what hurts me, but I will never feel the same about you again, it will be very cold, you'll be at a distance from the protected part of my heart where you had my emotional connection (very few have reached that spot, but those who have also lost it, not that they cared apparently...).

I'm giving, but I won't give my last dollar anymore because I want it myself; go work, go ask a church, go to a food drive, save your own fucking money like I've done by denying myself shit, help your damn self like I've had to help myself all my life.

Nowadays, I put myself in first place and decide if it's for my good that I put you first sometimes, because that shit isn't always healthy when it's a narcissist or manipulative person who is only about them and will never give and take equally with you. I won't offer to help you pay for something, I won't offer to help you, I won't offer a friendly suggestion... unless it's a random stranger in a random store because they didn't manipulate me, they didn't have an agenda.

I can't say that I've ever felt that I've received as I've given when I've cared about someone, usually they hurt the hell out off me... From all the shitty people I've had in my life (yes, yes, my poor choice in other humans), I truly feel I will never find a partner to share life, which sucks when at heart I'm a bloody romantic that wants nothing but to gift my love to someone and be gifted the same in return..... and I've concluded that my person simply does not exist and I must either settle, or live completely lonely for my lifetime...