Random Thoughts...

Little Dragon

2011-09-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

July 24, 2011

A timid little dragon perched upon the rocks
Longing for a day his heart feels no locks.
Uncountable thoughts his wings fold
Lighter dragons dance over fields of gold
He knows their hearts must be content and soft;
Actions so sure and smooth they float aloft.

Sabishii used to frolic with flocks of others,
But after many flights and still no true brothers
He lost heart and the ability of flight.
There's no replacement for family at night,
But he did long to share life's hue
With another dragon of his color blue.

Thus it was unexpected when a dragon midnight blue
Alighted eyes beckoning, he saw that hue.
Trust burst in, opening Sabishii's heart
His wings unfolded, opening t' life's art.
Now Sabishii soars thru sunsets brilliant pink
Beside a new brother as the sun winks.

Brightness of the Night Sky

2011-05-08T22:45:00.087-05:00

I stand alone, I am a barren land,
You're a star somewhere in the sky.
You once descended and touched my heart
So closely it was a fusion of star and earth.
We danced for days on end smiling at the Sun,
But oh, what happened to us now?

You're back among the stars while I gaze from afar.
You're dancing and sparkling ah so fair,
Smiling and laughing skipping on the planets.
I'm left alone, quite forgotten by the star,
The land more barren, burned by the brightness of a star.

But perhaps the star is misunderstood.
You burn so brightly, I can see my way by your brightness.
Is it only to blind those less brilliant from the scars?
Is it so that you blend with the sea of stars?
It seems the Sun is starting to notice,
It's as if the Sun awaits the day you come close to Him,
Perhaps you were meant only to shine for Him,
I hope one day you do.

Painted Perfect

2010-11-01T22:42:00.003-05:00

All the dolls say the China doll has it best.
She lives a perfect life, they know it is blest.
All say with her smile, no one can compete.
She's always so strong, she never sees defeat.
All see her beauty and know her heart is light.
She's always so content, her life is pure delight.

However somethings a China doll cannot share.
Things that other dolls are not aware.
But she can't tell them, they wouldn't care.
Instead she cries softly, "God, why's this my fair?"
While trying to stay grounded and not to despair.

Her life is not perfect, but a struggle every day.
Smiles are feigned, but kept there anyway.
Her strength is waning, she can't keep up the fight.
A heart with few joys, it is heavy, not light.
If they'd look closely, peering behind the fan,
The other dolls would see she's a tearful Raggedy Ann.

I woke up on the wrong side of this weekend

2010-10-31T22:28:00.006-05:00

Last weekend...seems so far gone now...one of those unreal weekends where you wake up and it was a dream. That Friday night of news and blur of a Saturday when you passed out at 8pm and where did Sunday go? It was one of those weekends where your world stops but flies by all at the same time. You're in a daze, disbelieving. Nothing is real, but everything is real, too real. You feign an outer calm or, at best, anger, but inside you're torn apart and, when no one's around, you cry...and almost wreck because you can't see through the tears.

Friday night was long, though bearable with a friend being there all night...only 4hrs sleep, but I had to get away. Barnes & Nobles afforded some distraction and a caramel machiatto...but I couldn't focus on the book I'd brought, the scenes playing in my mind weren't of Louisiana and a 20yr old mystery coming to light...rather they were of me convincing someone I love to move from home with me. But after less than a year, they left here with less than a week's notice, in itself, that hurt...I'd sit blaming myself for everything..."maybe if I'd done more things, gone out more, did fun things..." I'd have to stop my thoughts and look back to the soft yellow pages of the book that couldn't hold my imagination captive.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel that way sometimes, it takes almost a physical effort not to think it.

Last weekend was not cool. Monday morning, as if to top off a particularly rough weekend, I had some rude and mean customer right after 8am. I just laid my head down in defeat, wishing deep within that it was Friday and none of the weekend was real and even heard myself saying "I woke up on the wrong side of this weekend...."

This whole week, starting from last Friday, has been really hard...and I'm not sure what made it hurt the most...my sister getting snappy with me which made me cry, or when I momentarily talked to my mom and she sounded exhausted with life... :-/

Random Rant :-P

2010-10-21T12:14:00.000-05:00

I don't think I suffered any repercussions due to my parents letting us go trick or treating and dressing up as harmless things on Halloween...princesses, army men, cats, teachers....

I like the holiday, I actually like October because of it, always holds happy memories :)
I don't have anything really philosophical, but I do agree with this guy... People nowadays really do make too big of a deal about Halloween and twist the meaning. Really, if Catholic parents are being Catholic parents, then their children will grow up learning what Halloween means and will not be warped children.

Once again, it seems to come down to the ever more present fact that Catholics seem to be falling away more and more often from teaching their children about the great feasts of the Church which are dappled all over our calendar, the calendar that the world uses. That's just it, the majority of Catholic parents have become so worldly, that they make the minority tend more towards Jansenism as they do not want to resemble the lax in any way...but the more traditional Catholics go too far all to often, in my opinion.

The traditional Catholics start shutting down where they should be opening up, like in true charity and trying to be friendly with "bad" Catholics to be a good example. Unfortunately, the "good" Catholics ignore and refuse to look at or talk to Catholics who have had the misfortune of falling down.... When really, they should be open to talking to those poor souls, being friendly to them, inviting them over into a good atmosphere. When we don't, that's when we, so called, traditional Catholics, who claim to be better, start becoming as the worldlings who do not want to be "marked" for associating them. No, I'm not suggesting that we go into the fallen souls world, bring them into our world so they can see we are not rejecting them, that we are willing to help and only wait for them.....

Good Morning happy people!

2010-09-04T13:38:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up to a dream that left me tense and feeling anger towards someone... not so cool. I got myself out of bed and, went and sat on the porch with my laptop to see if there were any new random things going on today. What I found on my Twitter was a direct message from Amber Benson with the email address to send my info so she'll send me a postcard for a RT about Among the Ghosts, a promotional for her new book with drawings by Sina Grace. Awesome idea eh? Love it!

So I went over to my email to send my info to Amber and found a friend had sent me a poem! It was meant for yestermorn, but I'd not seen it til this morning. Perfect timing, I really needed it to lighten the feelings! Very awesome poem: If I Could Catch a Rainbow

Anyhow, just wanted to shout out a thanks for making my Saturday!

Tomorrow isn't an option

2010-08-15T23:56:00.004-05:00

I was away at my first year of college in 2004 ...it was a week before Christmas break...I remember my cellphone rang, it had been sitting on my desk, the screen was orange; Home was calling. It was after 10pm, I was a little worried. "Hello?" "Hi Rebecca...how ya doin..." Normally, that may have subdued my worry, but something was wrong. "...your Grandma died..." My mind reeled. I'm not sure if I said it out loud, but in my mind I asked, "..but she's okay, right?" ....then I choked on the tears that started coming as the reality started to hit....

That August before I'd left for college, I was supposed to have gone to see Grandma, but we ended up not going for some petty reason...and somehow I "just knew" that I'd missed my last chance to see my grandma...I remember that I regretted leaving for college without saying goodbye one last time. I may have thought to call her, but I never did... I guess sometimes God gives us premonitions, it's not just that we're worriers... I felt really bad/guilty/heartbroken for sometime after Grandma died because I'd never gotten to say goodbye and it bothered me for a long time.
Some months after Grandma died, I had three dreams about her for which I thank God. Now, I don't know that God sent them to relieve the pain in my soul, or if He just allowed that I have random dreams that soothed, but I am thankful for these three:

In my first dream, Grandma came over to our house. I was in total shock seeing her alive, but also excited to see her again, "Hi Grandma!", then I just sat there in my dream thinking and then saying it out loud "but...you're dead...?" she only smiled and kept talking to my mom. She was looking for something it seems, something that Mom had or was making for her, I didn't really know. But I asked her if she was okay, she just smiled and the dream ended. When I woke up, I thanked God that I got to see her one last time, even if it were just a dream.

In the second dream I saw my grandma again, she was in a hospital bed, I was still questioning, "...you're...dead...?" but I was excited and was going to take advantage of seeing her again and went up to visit with her one last time! She was in good spirits and asked if we could do her favorite thing, "do you want to play a last game of cribbage?" so I got a board and we played on her hospital bed. As dreams are the game was gone and there was something about the pink blanket Mom was making her and then I asked, "Grandma, are you okay where you are?" She just looked at me with that smile, like she was happy but at the same time sad, maybe because she wanted to tell me but couldn't or maybe because she couldn't console my pain... and then it all vanished, but I woke up feeling happy to have seen her and played one last game with her.

The last dream I've ever had of my Grandma I just remember being at a train and then seeing Grandma walk in, didn't know where she was going. I asked, "But you're dead? How, how are you here?" She had this pink blanket that Mom had crocheted for her and said, "I was just picking up this blanket, I needed it before I left." She wasn't on the train yet so I hugged her really close and said goodbye and let her go... as she stood on the moving train I was asking "are you okay where you are Grandma?" Grandma turned and smiled at me with a little sadness in her eyes then said goodbye as the train pulled away and the dream faded.

After those dreams I've never had another with my grandma in them, but I thank God for the consolation, because, it really felt like I had seen her, I had played one last game with her and that I really did give her a final hug and say goodbye.

I never told anyone about the dreams until after the last one, then I told my mom. Mom said she'd just finished a special novena for Grandma's soul a few days before. ...and I just realized something... I told my Mom the dreams after she'd finished it.... the first dream Mom was making a blanket and there was something special about it, the second it was like Grandma was waiting in her hospital bed for something from Mom, and the last dream was Grandma having the blanket my Mom had lovingly made for her, Grandma couldn't leave without it....

Random Review: The Sorcerer's Apprentice

2010-08-01T22:22:00.002-05:00

Just went and saw the new movie Sorcerer's Apprentice. Pretty good show, though I was a little disappointed with it at the same time. Perhaps I was expecting a little more development and a little more action overall? Also, the intro to the show was...cheap. It seemed like the intro to Disney's cartoon Aladdin or something "where a dark man waits with a dark purpose" c'mon, it's supposed to be believable, then MAKE it believable. It couldn't be taken very seriously. Not something I was terribly into. OHH!!! what was REALLY cool were the Tessler coils! that was pretty darn awesome :-D

Anyhow, after watching Sorcerer's Apprentice, I was thinking how more and more it seems that many tv series and movies are using magic and mythical creatures in them---not that I'm adverse to it! lol, I do like vampire shows and magic. Fun to watch. ...but the conversation between the father and daughter in Pirates of the Caribbean comes to mind sometimes with all the magic going on. Elizabeth and her father were talking about pirates and the father was saying he wondered of the impact on his daughter from all the pirate talk and she says, "Actually I find it all fascinating!" to which her father replied "Yes, that's what concerns me."

It seems that our generation is becoming more and more captured by the magical world, I myself enjoy all the magic. But sometimes I stop and think of the conversation between Elizabeth and her father and wonder, "Are we becoming fascinated in that same way?"

Of Rants and Randomness: The Alabama Denny's

2010-07-19T00:01:00.003-05:00

Is this an example of Kansas Chrome??!! Found it while out shopping in Topeka! lol

Of Rants and Randomness: The Alabama Denny's

2010-06-12T00:28:00.003-05:00

It was a month you weighed heavy on my mind
Cutting my heart deeper an inch at a time.
Perhaps I should have seen it, but I was blind
You were acting your pain out in mime.

But what is a friend? a reflection of pain?
Why did you hurt me, to release some shame?
You should have told me, made it quite plain
I'm here to help, I will not blame.

If you'd but told me I'd caress, I'd pray
If you'd display your struggle just to one
Perhaps you could face your demon and say,
I've won.

Of Ebony

2010-05-27T00:43:00.002-05:00

A sudden random thought as I read something a friend wrote...she hasn't really responded to my attempts to talk since I moved without saying goodbye :-( alas, my fault.

I was just relating this stupidity I can't take back to a friend, then it suddenly struck me, we design our own crosses in the end, one is like this:

Loss of friendship heavy as ebony,
Details carved intricately, I can never forget,
Memories glow as a lacquer, brightness burns the eyes.
I want to throw it from me, but then I can't let it go....

And so I carry you always with me, my cross.

Broken. Smile.

2010-04-28T02:05:00.002-05:00

Worth While

It is easy enough to be pleasant,
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is one who will smile,
When everything goes dead wrong.
For the test of the heart is trouble,
And it always comes with the years,
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth
Is the smile that shines through tears.

It is easy enough to be prudent,
When nothing tempts you to stray,
When without or within no voice of sin
Is luring your soul away;
But it's only a negative virtue
Until it is tried by fire,
And the life that is worth the honor of earth
Is the one that resists desire.

By the cynic, the sad, the fallen,
Who had no strength for the strife,
The world's highway is cumbered to-day;
They make up the sum of life.
But the virtue that conquers passion,
And the sorrow that hides in a smile,
It is these that are worth the homage on earth
For we find them but once in a while.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I Heart My Cabinet Shop

2010-04-21T22:09:00.003-05:00

Get this! I hardly ever get personal emails, then this morning I got one from Mom AND one from Dad! :)

Mom sent me this email about Agape love today, was really good, thinkin bout posting it just because it was cool.

And Pop's was tellin me about needing a template for a cross to put on a casket he was building yesterday, then he found the template for a celtic cross I had made when I was making liquor cabs for my bro and me last year :) *sigh* I really do miss working in the cabinet shop... It's so...it's just amazing. It's so relaxing on a Saturday to be out there working on my own project, no one else there to make lots of noise. Granted, sometimes I'd coax my sis out there just because :-P

But really, it's awesome being out there in the shop alone,when I'm the only one making noise out there. The radio is set to the music of the day (I'm always changing from country to rock), the big garage door is open in the earlier morning when there's a cool breeze...when the door is opened, the sound of the air compressor that comes on at least every 30mins is muffled.... Still, there is a certain comfortable easy embalming silence that reigns when I'm there. I can hear my thoughts and the sound of a screw going into the wood....

I miss being able to just go out to the shop and grab the drills, the batter powered mini skill saw (so awesome, the one's by Makita!) or whatever else I needed to build a box for a present, make a backboard for a poster, make a shelf to go above my washer and dryer because, frankly, the builders of my rental place were pathetically cheap and completely inefficient or, my absolute favorite thing I've ever built and am most proud of, make a wine/liquor cabinet because I felt like it!

Those cabinets...just...wow! They are GORGEOUS! and I only have two crumby little pics from my phone of them! When I moved here to KS, I only brought what would fit in my car, thus, my cabinet is sitting royal estate in what my family likes to refer to as "the princess room" .... yes...that would be my old room! lol.

Anyhow, I started makin the wine cab for my bro, then only partway done I was getting jealous and I'd already told him I was makin it for him.... So I just put his on hold for a few days and started on another for me, brought it up to speed with the first.

Of all things I've built or made, I am most proud of those two cabinets that I made. And the brother I made one of them for (the one pictured, actually) is one of the most amazing men I know. He is the kindest husband and father that I've seen. Love you bro!

Sanguine Now

2010-04-15T23:18:00.000-05:00

"In your soul there is a 'torrent of laughter' (Tolkein) and it shows all the time, making you a person to be liked and a good friend." ~Clare W.

I have to say, this about beats everything written in my high school yearbook. I'll say it's one of the two things I remember right off the top of my head...people were really amazing with the deep/thoughtful things they wrote. I just thought of something a friend said recently, "You're alot more sanguine lately...." I was taken by surprise, it was not prefaced by anything. ...Many in my yearbook wrote that I had lots of sanguine...I lost that shortly after high school and have been more of a melancholic temperament for the past 6yrs. Apparently some one person brought something back to my life that was missing for some years: happiness and contentment with my life as it is.

So yes, I guess I am more sanguine, it started Jan 1, 2010 --hey! How's that for a New Year's resolution!!?? Lol, so far it's been sticking! "Hope in life...comes outta nowhere.... Maybe someday it can be summoned." Yes Cass, you were right that night, it can be summoned and it was summoned!

Forever Thankful!

"Dear Girls Above Me..."

2010-04-13T19:19:00.003-05:00

Background on "Dear Girls Above Me": there's this guy, Charlie McDowell, Mary Steenburgen's son, that posts random little notes to the girls that live in the apt above him, though they don't know it. They are always out of control and he puts the things they say and do in the funniest way... Anyhow, I'm always reading the GAM posts out loud in the office, no intro, I just start, "Dear Girls Above Me..." they are often pretty entertaining and we all get a good laugh out of them (granted I edit in my workplace sometimes...).

For Example:
"Dear GAM, "He was totally faking an accent to impress us, people from Georgia talk like hicks." Georgia=USA, Georgia also=Eastern Europe."

"Dear GAM, “I had the shittiest day, all I wanna do is get wasted.” I remember you saying the same thing last week when having the best day."

"Dear GAM, In your Vegas recap, everything happened before or after "Jen passed out". You just created a new dividing point in world history."

"Dear GAM, I wish I could have seen u guys get high (before Jen passed out) & work the casino with your "p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face.""

"Dear Girls Above Me, I changed my wireless internet name to "JohnStamosCondo" in hopes that it might confuse & excite you. It did."

Okay, so now that I've got the background for my story:
Today a friend messaged me about something, I cocked my head to the side and read out loud in a confused tone, "Who is Jenny B?" Without a moment's hesitation, my co-worker says, "One of the Girls Above Me!!!" It was pretty awesome! Almost died laughing, so perfect! And one's name is Jen, so we gather from Charlie's posts that is... It was awesome, even Charlie thought as much DM-ing me, "Thank you for making my day!"

I heart Charlie McDowell's Girls Above Me stories! :) Read them on Twitter too! @charliemcdowell

Flamin'..er...Bloomin' Onion Anyone?!

2010-04-03T19:51:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I got a Green Tea Latte/frappe fix today, ordered some mix off of Amazon, good stuff by the way! Lol, let me know if you want some, I'll point ya in the right direction! Oh yeah, back to my story....

So after my Green Tea Latte and workin out in the yard for a little bit, I came back in and suddenly decided that I wanted to make a Bloomin' Onion, ya know, like at Outback Steakhouse. I have no bloody clue why on earth I suddenly decided such a thing.... Haven't had one for a long time since when I was back home in the Idaho...nor have I seen anything to suggest the Outback, so anyhow, I took it as very odd, but Googled "how to make a bloomin onion". ...I went through their steps, though I added more ketchup to the dipping sauce and I didn't cut the onion quite like they said to, but it turned out way better than how they were sayin I should do it.

Anyhow, I cut it almost to the root end, and then turned the knife vertical and sliced to the roots that way as well to make the onion bloom without havin to put it in boiling water then cold water like the recipes said. So after I was done cutting, it looked like this:

Which was pretty cool. Then came the interesting part....

I had a medium sauce pan for the oil, and had it half full, enough to just cover most of the onion I figured... So I put it on the stove (which is a flat glass top), had it on for awhile, so I think it was a little on the too hot side

when I went to put my battered onion in...well...let me tell you...one should have a bigger pot/taller pot when ya'll put a bloomin onion into hot hot oil....

I dipped the onion into the pan, and it started boiling...OUT of the pot! Lol! My face had to have been a Kodak moment! LOL! I stepped back in shock for a moment, didn't want to have exploding oil on me or anything, then I realized it was just going to boil, much like hot water..but it was pouring out all over the stove top...so I picked up the pot to move it off the burner, stop the boiling over. Then as I stood there holding the pan over the stove wondering how on earth I was going to clean up the mess I made in my shear brilliance, it started to smoke! I breathed a quick thanks that the evil smoke detector wasn't in the kitchen anymore. Well, I shouldna been saying a thanks so quickly, I was suddenly standing in shocked horror as the oil burst into flames!

So I'm standing there for a split moment in shock watching as the flames floated over the oil, grabbed the pot off so I wouldn't have a flamin' onion, then grabbed the bottle of oil since the flames started to spread all over the bloody top! So I'm standing there with a pot in one hand and wondering how I'm going to put it out as I have no extinguisher or anything! I thought, "Maybe a towel to smother it? No, bad idea, could start on fire then what would I do?!" Stood there a moment longer and the flames got higher and wider and black smoke was everywhere! So I thought, "Okay, I've got nothin left, I'll try blowing on it..." Thank goodness it worked! I took two breaths and blew it out! Lol. So yeah, that was pretty interesting! :-P lol.

So after the flames were out, I noted that my onion was still cookin even off the burner.... Didn't look half bad either!

Yum Yum :-) It tasted just like from Outback :-) Most enjoyable.

[update: Watching Buffy just now, I just realized why I thought of a bloomin onion!! Spike! Spike kept trying to get Xander and other people to get a bloomin onion at The Bronze! LOL Influenced by the vampire with a love of chicken wings and bloomin onions!!]

Update: Watches gone Wonkey!

2010-03-16T13:24:00.001-05:00

PS: After I wrote "Little Ray of Sunbeam", my wristwatch apparently got jealous that I didn't take notice of his time as I did my Sunbeam on the wall...so he went all wonkey, yes, much like Harold's wristwatch in Stranger Than Fiction... apparently my wristwatch has a role model there.... Anyhow, my wristwatch, who's face is a brilliant array of sunny colors, went and slowed down by a few minutes! The bratchild! So it made me late to work!

And now that it's daylight savings time kicking in, everything is kinda wonkey, except my Sunbeam somehow made it through the Spring Jump just fine.... As for the bratchild, he has finally realized (once I threatened to get out the other Lorus with a more sedate outlook on life...in purple tones) that his co-operation is paramount to retaining his position on my wrist!

Tanks!

2010-03-15T12:02:00.006-05:00

For all ya'll out there having a boring/bad/laborious Monday morning! :-D Smile!!

So my boss and I were IM'ing back and forth and he says "okay, t hanks" then corrects it to "thanks". I thought nothing of it, then five minutes later I get another IM "You thought I said T. Hanks, huh? like Tom Hanks?.." and then says "I have plenty of typos" So I just laughed and said I looked forward to the random words to which he replies that he actually only types "tanks" to some of the guys who've been here a long time. So I laugh and tell him "Then I'd wonder when you were gonna come busting through the wall in some little commando tank! " just playing on the words, so he writes back, "lol That's easy to imagine, huh?... I guess I need to be nicer around here... =)"... "That's a good mental image... I need a mini tank"

Of course I was all for a mini tank, c'mon how cool, right?! Then five minutes later, I get a link from him to this:

"Yeah, I'd be unstopable... except that I'd be shooting paintballs..." But I quickly comforted: "Hmm...well, you'd really wreak havoc on the employees clothing! or cars... :- D" "That's how I'd keep employees from parking on the north side"

I like my bosses, they're pretty much hilarious. I've decided I am going to find some mini tank toy or something and get it for him! Anyhow, hope ya'll enjoy, I got some good laughs out of it! :-D

Little Ray of Sunbeam

2010-03-09T21:43:00.001-06:00

The clock on my wall is pretty much my closest friend here in my house lately. He's the only one who has stuck around for some time. He knows, I really do rely on him to keep me on track.

He's pretty diligent in his duties as a friend and guardian (self-appointed you understand) and keeps me ahead of the times running a little faster than all the rest. As I sit and write with Trista in the evenings, he patiently ticks away, not at all perturbed that I'm not paying as much attention to the time he's trying to show me, but he is rather persistent! As he watches me every evening when I get home from work, I'm sure he's smiling at the oddness of me laughing hysterically as I type at my computer, but if he does, he keeps his laughter to himself, never judging me--at least not that I'm aware of! He even tries to get me to go to bed at a decent hour sometimes, the sounds of "tick tock, tick tock" growing louder as the silence of the night settles in. He even tries to rush me off to work every morning warning, "Rebecca, it's 7:45am! Time to start the car!" When really I have a few minutes to spare :-)

Yes, my clock on my living room wall has been a faithful friend, breaking the silence and providing a constant reminder, waving his hands around at me, letting me know time is passing, the world is changing, and I am a part of it. Are you?

A new revolution: Death's Daughter by Amber Benson

2010-03-09T20:07:00.005-06:00

So back in December, I read Miss Benson's blog and was pretty much taken by her personality and presentation through it and also very much inspired. So I started following her on Twitter, a month later wrote a blog in tribute to her and told her that she pretty much inspired me, and all because of that I "met" my newest friend Trista, who pretty much rocks, fyi :-)

So yeah, because of all that and the coolness of Amber and Trista (who should be a public relations officer for Amber :-P, btw ) I decided to read Death's Daughter. ...so one bright Saturday morning two or three weeks ago, I decided it was a day to relax, went to B&N and picked up a copy of Death's Daughter and started reading. Now, I normally judge whether to read a book or not based on the first sentence and/or paragraph in some instances, but never the whole book. If I don't like it after the first page, I forget about reading it.

Now in the case of Amber's book...well, I read about 40pages of the book while sipping a Green Tea Latte from Starbucks at Barnes & Noble, all the while, heavily complaining of the style Amber was using. But, because it was Amber and I'd decided I liked her, I figured that I would give her the whole book before I made a judgment call.

Not gonna lie...I was in more of a hate than love relationship with Death's daughter until about halfway through the book, but somehow I wonder, "Is that something that Amber meant to do?" Then I realized Amber did a phenomenal job of expressing the growth from child/adolescent to adult in Callie. I was/am impressed. Amber's the first author I've read who has taken a character and developed them so smoothly and silently that I didn't notice until the character was almost a different person.

There were also notes of Dante's Inferno, simple myth, Christianity and many more elements that she somehow brought together into one book, and yet, it was not forced. The fluidity (lol, is that a word I can use in this context?) of her writing; to create Callie's world as she did, I'm gonna have to say, Amber won me over as a fan of her mean writing skills.

Cheers on a good book Amber, I've bought Cat's Claw and am excited about it.

A trail of hearts...I never forget the little things you do...

2010-02-18T23:29:00.003-06:00

All the small things, friends rock, yes don't they.

Katie

--sometimes I'd have a bad day or just whatev, but her smile alone would give me heart. Love you so much my dear. I'm just sad that I left home without saying goodbye, apparently it hurt you deeper than anything I've ever done or said :-( I'm so sorry, and I can't relive that moment though every time I think of you, I wish that I could. She taught me how to "deal" with many things. How to be more certain of myself. And she is the reason for my only non-scary dream ever. We were holding hands, I let go my hold wondering if she'd still never let go of me...she held on, looked at me and smiled tightening her hold. She helped me to trust people more...and then I hurt her the last time I never saw her....

Cazzie

--put up with me for a few years when I was at my worst lost and trying to fight my demons. Love ya dude.

Kate

--came back into my dorm room one day and turned on my laptop, which Kate had been using, on the screen was a picture she'd drawn on the pc. It was awesome, made me feel special. I still have it and love it. Makes me smile every time.

Last but not least,

Holmes

--At work when I'm really busy and needin a break, a message will suddenly pop up, "Watson!!!! :-D" Makes me smile, thank you. "I think you're cool... you go with the flow, but you aren't a follower that's hard to accomplish" that compliment meant alot to me. Funnest new friend :-)

Oh yeah, how could I forget Miss Benson! lol. Thank you Amber for my new life and for my new friend, Holmes :-D

Eh, this is random babblings kinda stuff, but what the heck. Sometimes thoughts are meant to be unfinished, and I think these are that type...friendships never really end, so it follows that these written thoughts must be left unfinished....

You define your own happiness

2010-02-14T02:06:00.003-06:00

Stuck in my head at the moment is Daniel Powter's Bad Day.... I know I often start singing a song I haven't heard in a long time when deep down it's what I feel like, but other times it has to do with something someone asks me. Why do people sometimes ask if you've had a bad sad day when you're pretty sure ya didn't do anything to make it look like it was bad, and in fact it wasn't bad? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know for myself, that when people put ideas out there about me, I start thinking, "Do I? Am I?" and I shouldn't be asking.... I haven't had a bad day since the first weekend of this new year, 2010.

My life is pretty much on a track that I'm loving, though I will admit this: I am struggling with one-two thoughts.... At the moment, I don't really care for the thought of getting married and the parentals really seem to be pushing at that thought lately...and then I really don't want to get old and be alone, but still, if the husband died first, which men don't statistically live as long as women, I'd be alone anyhow, so really, perhaps nothing to lose there.

I just can't decide if this conflicts with ideas I've held...I'm completely changed many thoughts, opinions, even some personality, character, temperament changes, and I'm loving it completely. But I almost feel guilty about it. Why? Yeah, well, I guess that has to do with the parentals and wondering what they'll think of my life choice... and... how these all effect my faith...my religion. I'm loving me, but I want to know, will it help me to love God more?

I struggle with that last thought...but perhaps that's just the devil playing with me since I'm so happy now and not particularly focused on me, I have time to focus on things outside of myself now. For the past three years I've felt aimless, I have been aimless, no direction, no desire for anything in life. Now it's like I've been completely reborn. I've been given a new life with all the options and upgrades I've ever wanted and I thank God for it.

I am happy every day now

SNOW!

2010-02-08T17:03:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I got a little crazy with the snow Friday night... :-D

The best month, but longest month of my life...

2010-01-29T18:24:00.000-06:00

Sometimes...I feel a little fragile.

All week I've just wanted to sit down and cry...I didn't have time...so instead I listened to music most of the time or did things to distract myself. Why? I'm not sure...but I have a theory! though it's not bunnies! lol. I'm pretty sure I'm just mostly stressed out about everything on my mind.

I need a break, I need to go on a weekend vacation. Relax.

The Minster (not minister)

2010-01-21T15:45:00.004-06:00

Last summer, mid-July, I stood atop the York Minster, terrifying.

The Minster is a beautiful and majestic piece of art set in a city filled with remnants of Roman legions of the past, cobblestone streets and tiny medieval-ish neighborhoods with hardly space for a horse and wagon to get through. York is even the home of many ghosts --and is alleged to be the most haunted city in Europe.

One of the ghost stories we heard was from an archeologist who gave us a walking tour of the city --which was really awesome from an archeologist very interested and VERY unbiased in his history -- oh yes, back to the ghost story!

So our guide told us that in the city treasury building, the city official knew that the basement was haunted, but didn't tell some plumbers who had to fix some pipes in the basement. The workers came running upstairs white faced where they ran into the city official who laughed and said, "Did you see the legion?"
Apparently, once in awhile a Roman legion can be seen marching across the basement out of one wall, across the room and into the opposite wall...but only from the knee and up.

Our guide then explained that there was a Roman road that runs through York, but that by now, it is buried several meters below current levels. They estimate that the Roman road runs about 1-2 feet under the basement of the treasury! So the ghosts of the legion is actually marching on the Roman road! Crazy!

Okay, so back from my ramblings....

Our last day in York, we decided to climb the 275 steps to the Minster's tower --in circular mini-staircase we're talking about here. (btw, I just read that the minster "weighs 16,000 tonnes - about the same as 40 jumbo jets!") Anyhow, I hate going around in circles, so that wasn't very fun. There are actually two sets of stairs to climb.

The Minster is built in the shape of a cross, the main entrance is at the "base" of the cross (left end in pic) and the tower in the center is where you finally get to the top. To reach the center tower, you have to go up by the right arm of the church, (the arm pointing down in the pic) across the roof, then where the roof meets the center tower, another staircase takes you to the top (you can actually take a virtual tour (in good quality) of the Minster here)

So we climbed the first staircase and came out onto the roof (well, there's a little walkway right on the edge with shifty pieces of metal/wood that you walk across since it's basically the gutter I guess). Yeah, so I got up there --such and EXHAUSTING climb let me tell you! -- and thought, okay, kinda scary. Then I stepped onto the little cobbled-together-looking pathway along the roof...that basically completed this feeling of fear! lol. But I was like, "okay, I can take this, I just feel a little freaked about being so high up on top of a building...breath, I can do this..??!!" Then back into the next staircase for another 100 something steps.

When I came out on top of the Minster tower, I was almost dead from exhaustion! lol. Then I got up and looked around....It was a great view, but I was pretty much freaked being on top of that building that I walked around once and then went back down! [I was just reading my journal I kept on the trip, which I wrote in print until I wrote out my thought, "What if the building collapses?!" It was in cursive. Lol, apparently I think in cursive:-P ]

Seriously, never before have I been so scared of being so high up...and I was on top of a building to boot. ...maybe it was the scaffolding and rickety path over the gutter.... I dunno. But instead of awe inspiring, as most found it, I was terrified! *shivers* Apparently I'm more afraid of falling to my death than of being crushed by the building coming down around me....

Interesting what we learn of ourselves as we dance through life.... :-)

Firelight Smiles

2010-01-14T12:46:00.001-06:00

I just popped a can of Fresca as I'm sitting down to lunch, as the sound hits my ears, the memory of flights past come to mind. It's funny that this kinda thing seems to happen most often, not with family or familiar people or places, but to do with airports and flying.

If I catch the scent of perfumes mixed with a stale scent of cigarettes, parties don't come to mind, but walking through Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport does! I see the many different vendor stands and the casino passing through my mind just as when I druggedly walked through Schiphol....

Then of course there's the smell of brewing coffee that they always serve on airlines, which I HATE! Okay, that could be biased by the fact that the first few times I flew I was really really sick.... So that smell of coffee isn't so cool to me nowadays, though it is getting better now. Plus, flying no longer makes me sick, I think I was just nervous flying off to boarding school for the first few times :-P

Of course there are sounds, besides the sound of a pop can opening that bring memories to me. My favorite memory is triggered by a sound...

When I was between 5-10yrs old:

It's between 3 or 4am, I walk out of my room, I'm dressed in my night gown; the hallway is dark, but there is a faint orange glow coming from the living room fireplace as the fan system surrounding it breathes out warm air.

There's only one kitchen light on, and Mom is working on Dad's lunch beneath it's yellow gleams. Mom doesn't say a word, she just smiles at me. I sit down on the edge of the bench of the picnic-style table Dad made and just sit and watch while Mom loads Dad's black lunchbox. Behind me, the wood stove seems to be humming a lullaby as the red embers darken and begin to sleep. My tired eyes still squinting, I am content. The humming lets me know it's a happy home.

After a few minutes, Mom says, "You can go back to bed now...." and smiles. Silently I walk back to my room where I fall asleep as the fireplace softly hums it's lullaby.

Echoing Void

2010-01-02T21:29:00.001-06:00

Sept/Oct 2009

On a mountain's top, edge of wilderness,
I feel a rush of electricity, then emptiness.
At the ocean's silver edge, waves thunder,
My heart surges wildly, then goes under.
Rushing at the enemy, friends at my side,
Adrenaline rages, then dies; they're not on my side.
We're best friends now, so intense,
Givin' all my love to find you're mere pretense.
To crush any beautiful moment,
I have one formidable opponent,
One day I hope he's killed,
Only then I'll be fulfilled.
Then life won't be unreal
Maybe it'll be surreal.

"Out Damn Spot!"

2009-12-22T11:06:00.002-06:00

This is a true story, I got this call at work... and we have nothing to do with laundry...

"Hi I'm at a laundromat in -- and I put my clothes in the washer and put the quarters in, but now it won't open. How do I get my clothes back?! Your number is the only number here..." not wanting to deal with him nor have to try to look up the laundromat in the system, I transferred him to customer service.

Then Jason comes over and asks, "Did you talk to that laundry guy?" and proceeds to tell me that the guy starts off just the same: "My clothes are stuck in the washer here at ---. I want them back! Who can I get to come and unlock it! Your number is the only number around here...." Jason looks up the address, but it's not in our system so the guy complains, "Well who am I supposed to call!? I want my clothes back! Do I just break it?" "Uh, I don't know...you could, but I wouldn't recommend it...I'm sorry I can't help you...."

Lol. Yeah, when I have a problem I just randomly pull some number off the nearest sign, advertisement, billboard to complain about a problem!

"bored now"

2009-12-17T21:16:00.002-06:00

Mom wrote me a letter and told me how proud of me she is...and that dealing with my sis is proof of my strength, my greatness but... as much as I want to believe it, I still feel like a lost soul. Struggling to stay afloat.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do in life, but dude, it's kinda hard when there's nothing that I really seem to be leaning towards. Okay, that's not entirely true, there are several things, one I think I'd like, but, decisions are long for me.

"bored now"

Respite

2009-12-14T13:22:00.000-06:00

You ever think that God lets a little flower grow in your path in the cement sidewalk or snow fall, even if not to stick, just for you? just to fulfill that wish in your heart that someone understood your pain, that someone really cares?

I sure do, and then it makes me remember, I am important to someone :-)

"Exile" written by Jimmy D. (13yrs)

2009-11-18T08:08:00.000-06:00

Exile is like being thrown away
It's not being able to see day
Everything he cast aside
For that day he had to ride.

Exile is like Our Lord
Who resembles a broken sword
Thrown away by all mankind
A new home for Himself to find.

Exile is an unpleasant sight
When you have to go and fight
To earn yourself a home and bread
And a place to lay your head.

Exile makes you courageous
Teaches you not to be outrageous
Makes you meek and obedient
Helps you not to be lenient.

Exile seems to be bad
Living the life of a nomad
But great good can come from this
Grace from Heaven you'll never miss.

The Mission: Find a Goal!

2009-11-11T12:34:00.001-06:00

I got a letter from a close friend last night; Sister put a little PS sticky note in with just a few lines on it.... It was to the effect of, "I don't think you'll be happy until you stop "running" from something, and start running towards a goal. And that is all I will say."

Immediately as I read that, I thought of a blog I posted awhile back titled, "If life is boring, then likely you have no goals..." I don't know where I got that sentence, perhaps it was another friend of mine who spoke them to me at a time since passed.

Sometimes it really is the simplest of sentences that strike the most, eh? :-) I think I have some sort of goal, but there that darn Frustration Gap that some Mary Kay director was talking about...keeps getting my way! Lol. It's up to me to jump that gap, meaning I need to either change the goal or change the myself to meet my goal.

"And my only hope is that we will all meet in the end..."

2009-11-02T13:23:00.000-06:00

I was thinking last week of my life here in SM...and thought, well, I just need to choose to be happy here. I can do that. I'll just be happy. Funny that a friend would tell me of someone who just decided that in the same week. :-)

Perhaps that thought came about because I was thinking back on all the posts I've written and the dark colors I like and thought, "Hmm...this is all very dark, I want to be happy now...."

Besides, a few weeks ago, I let one of my friends have the link to my blog, which I don't really let anyone have since they're just my thoughts and therefore they really seem dumb to me.... Well, knowing that there is a possibility that that person might read my posts, I don't want to sound as if I am always complaining. I mean, how boring would that be!? To read things that bring you down! So anyhow, I want to try to be more cheery and "think happy thoughts" and relate them here on my blog.... maybe thoughts with a picture to reflect it, something that is beautiful....

I crave beauty.

Autumn does that to me; I find something particularly beautiful in the earth's annual 'death".... There are so many vivid colors, so much beauty in it's death.... Isn't that's how our death should be? And God in His goodness shows us every year how our own deaths should be; beautiful. The earth mimics a human life in a way; we can learn so much just observing its seasons....

So I may be changing the template for my blog...gotta think about that one... :-)

Bad Dreams

2009-10-27T08:30:00.002-05:00

Last night I'm pretty sure I had a series of stressed dreams.
The one I remember and that kept going through my mind after I woke up was of me and a group of college kids sitting in the grass in front of the girls dorm (there was no slope down the hill in front, was flat and grassy) then two people, the dean of the college and Dr. W, climbed out a top window of the dorm and onto a little half foot ledge and started inching around the building.

I looked up but wasn't really worried too much and just joked to the person saying, "Hey now why can't we do that?" and then he started showing off! All jumping and skipping on the tiny ledge then he dropped like he was going to do a push-up but as he went to pop back up, he somehow bounces off the ledge and fell to the ground where his body hit the ground "bouncing" once! As he was falling, my mind screamed no as I "knew" that this was for real and not just a dream he'd wake up from.... When he hit the ground I screamed and started crying and and yelling at the students, "Father! Father!" my voice in that horrible slow motion state where you can't move and your voice isn't even there. They ran to Dr. W, but I couldn't make myself even look at him; I couldn't believe I'd seen him fall to his death.

And that was how I still felt when I woke up! Bad feeling.

Crazy dream eh? And that was just as my alarm went off and I had been in a half asleep dream.... I hate when they feel real. Last weekend I woke up crying/not being able to breath and kept crying for a few seconds until I realized it was just that I was dreaming and that the people I "saw" were not actually real, they were from a movie I'd seen....

Can We Save the Planet?

2009-10-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

Through all the news and such over the past few years, we've constantly heard that the earth is being depleted and that the oceans are "dying" as the plant life is dying. The scientist tell us that WE have to save the planet ...and then God strikes again! :-) The article below made me smile at God's sense of humor. Or at least He made me laugh ;-)

Austalian Dust Storms Cause Life Explosion

Dusty City | Discovery News Video

Oct. 7, 2009 -- The red dust storm that dumped thousands of tons of soil across eastern Australia two weeks ago has caused an explosion in microscopic life in Sydney Harbor and beyond.

Researchers analyzing the impact say the finding validates plans to increase fish stocks to feed some of the world's poorest people using ocean fertilization.

All you wanted

2009-09-14T00:37:00.002-05:00

The soundtrack when I woke this morn...

"How was I supposed to know
She was slowly letting go?
If I was putting her through hell,
Hell I couldn't tell.

She could've given me a sign
And opened up my eyes
How was I supposed to see?
She never cried in front of me."

It was for the first time
That I'd seen her eyes cry'n.
A smile alive on her face,
E'en her eyes gave no trace;
Her mind so well trained
The smile never feigned.
But what I didn't know,
Her heart wasn't full' aglow;
Oh but how could it be
When it yearned to love thee?!
Thrown to the wayside
Shunned from her monther's side!
For you my heart broke,
And wished I hadn't spoke.
Ah now I know why on the phone,
There's silent sadness to your tone.

Jealousy is not something I experience so much...

2009-08-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

There have been only a few times in my life that I've become speechless.... It has only been with my closest friends, and it just came to me that perhaps I am speechless because I am content with them being themselves, with me being myself. I am content with our friendship and nothing could make me happier but to see them.

If I am thinking beyond that moment of happiness, then obviously I wasn't so happy that my whole being was filled. That's my theory anyhow. Lol. My mind has a bent towards the serious, for sure, and solving problems. But imagine, there are times when I know I'm safe from criticisms from "friends" about how I need to do this and not be so serious and blah blah, which are needless. Yes, times when we both know and experience things the same way that we both are content to hold the moment.

Hope...

2009-06-06T12:59:00.000-05:00

"Hope in life ... comes outta nowhere ... Maybe some day it can be summoned :)" ~The Cass

A few weeks ago, I told someone something I'd never really said out loud.... Their one line of reply right before they passed out asleep was a bit of a blow to me. I know feelings and such change all the time....and what I think might change...I think it will, it's just a matter of "learning" about it....

But anyhow, that one little sentence hit me really hard...I felt a certain hope inside of me die. Even though I've a sick feeling in my gut that I'll never get to experience that, I have this little hope in my soul that God will help me learn what I need to. But with those words that night...that little flame of hope died. I turned over and lay staring into the night and the beginning of a dark night for my soul....

After that night I was stressed out a lot about everything. I started getting really tired and could hardly stand and stay awake for work. Hardly had the energy for anything...and yet I still wasn't admitting what was quietly stressing me out. I almost asked God for a txt to give me hope. Lol. I know that sounds really cracked.

I went to bed way early Thursday night...almost falling asleep just driving home. Slept pretty well but my eyes were still burning when I woke up. I was standing in the kitchen getting some breakfast ready, trying to not to remember how quiet and alone it felt in the silence of the house. when I heard the familiar sound of a txt message alert from my phone.

I wondered who it'd be so early in the morning... I didn't recognize the number but opened the txt and read it. "Hey sweetie you doing okay? Have a great weekend from Hounie @ MMI." It wasn't meant for me, but somehow, somewhere inside, it brought something alive in me. It gave me a hope somehow. I told them and we started chatting a little. It really made my day, and for once, at the end of the day, I was still happy and felt alive. I wasn't even tired and it had been a long day.

Thank God for a stranger named Hounie and a wrong number :-)

...and so my belief is, God txt me that day :-)

Summer Always Turns to Winter

2009-05-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

We met in June, beginning of summer.
I didn't ask about your past, youth doesn't care.
We seemed to get along well enough,
Until I found you cared for me, and I for you.

In that first month we were always together
In the summer sun, with a few friends,
Under the stars, in the water, on the trails.
Ah youth in summertime, we were inseparable.

Then, almost of nowhere you showed you cared,
I had been oblivious until that letter came.
I was then at camp, you in another place.
How was I to know you'd grown a little fond?

But then, mid July, things started to change,
I saw you cared and was amazed,
I didn't know I cared, finally told you that.
Youth was broken, your childhood resurrecting.

Perhaps we both felt lost to degrees,
But as you ran for safety of childhood, I stood alone.
I came around quite often thinking, hoping
That youth was not so fragile, not only childhood strong.

By August we started seeing more our differences.
I saw them and tried to keep a smile.
You saw, tried to deal, and your heart started moving on.
Youth, it is so whimsical, childhood sees deeper.

Mid August the days grew colder,
We didn't see each other much anymore.
Youth is restless, I needed more activity;
Youthful friends don't last, only childhood persists.

I thought that we'd get back together,
And yet when summer came again,
We had outgrown youth and our friendship.
Youth matured to adult; only childhood friends remained.

Epilogue:
I found myself lost and alone at summer end,
Struggling through the winter months
But when June came again, youth was no more,
I was an adult they said.

As an adult, I have a hope
That adults and children are strong and true.
Youth is fickle, will my adulthood hold strong?
Please don't tell me, if I am wrong.

Not the Pickles!

2009-05-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

Lol. I was snooping through the cupboards for an after lunch sweet snack and found some dried plums, pulled the can out to take one and noticed a jar of grape leaves (yes, canned grape leaves--so good rolled with hamburger and rice). So I pulled it out and turned around to face Mom sitting in the dining room and said, "Hey Mom can I buy these off ya?" Her face went into a shocked/horrified expression and she shouted, "THE PICKELS??" I stood there in shock for a moment while the look on her face and the words she said adjusted in my mind. Then I just started laughing uncontrollably! Finally she realized they were the grape leave... then said, "Oh!!! I thought you wanted my pickles...and I just bought the pickles for me yesterday!" Lol.

Maybe ya had to be there, but it was awesome! LOL

The Four Seasons whispering in my mind

2009-05-06T22:44:00.001-05:00

As I left work today and started across the prairie towards home, I thought how things never really change, I'm still doing the same things, but the months fly by..... First, I remember driving across the prairie in the summertime. Warm days with the windows rolled down. Ah the evening breeze starting to come alive, throwing the scent of barbeques at my senses :-) The autumn and all the leaves are changing, that first day of hunting season is a smell, the smell of the frostbitten leaves. The fog is holding heavily to the ground and the only sign of a crossroad is the red flashing lights warning me of the stop sign.... I love the fog though somehow it scares me and then the memory of something a friend once wrote flashes in my mind and the fog becomes a ravenous wolf running after me.... Broken thoughts. The winter when sometimes the road seems to disappear and my teeth are still chattering because I forgot to warm my car up again.

And now...the window wipers are on, the world outside is drinking in for our summer greenery. I turn on my headlights, and notice, so does everyone else. I guess they too think the rain dims the world; a little blurry to the senses. ...all the seasons flash through my mind; it only took a second, and they were gone. Time passes, life seems to stay pretty much the same.

Then another train of thoughts come from the wipers going back and forth...the thoughts written by a friend of their fascination with the wipers as a child..... I hardly ever think about my childhood anymore. Only once in awhile some memory is thrust into consciousness, but otherwise I don't have many memories to look back on it seems.... But at least they are...for the most part...happy memories :-) Most of the time memories of Mom and what she used to do for us with the little we had :)

In the summer she'd always take us swimming, most often at a small man made lake near our home. But once in awhile, she'd take us to Palmer Lake twenty minutes away. When she took us there, she'd make us popcorn and put it in a brown paper bag and some sandwiches. The real treat was those few times she'd make a ton of pizza pocket sandwiches with her little sandwich toaster and put them in brow paper bag -- half full of pockets!!! The bags of sandwiches and popcorn with oil spots on them. Fond memories.

Lol. Was just thinking how we always used to have real butter, we'd never eat margarine...then things were getting tight and butter more expensive so Dad said we'd have to eat margarine and the butter was for Mom and Dad.... Dad had recently decided to give each of us kids $5 a month, so we took that money and bought each our own pack of butter! Lol. When Dad found out that's how we were spending our allowances, he was apparently a little embarrased or proud or a little of both, and Mom started buying us butter again. To this day we all love butter :-)

It still makes me laugh! Us kids were so serious about it! lol. We'd write our names on the butter pack and even make lines so no one else would take any! Then one day Dad opened the fridge and found all our packs with names and we told him he couldn't eat ours! LOL! I'm killing myself laughing here! He was all shocked! Mom went over to him with the fridge open and told him what we were doing....

Hmmm, well, I suppose it'd be good to go to sleep now since it's nearing 9:30pm.... Lol. I love to write! :-E (hmm, those bucky teeth don't work so well with this font...looks better in txting, cuz these ones look kinda crooked and evil! Reminds me of a vampire! :-) Anywho's, I'm off to bed! ...soon anyway.... ;-P

Why Get Married?

2009-01-02T23:16:00.001-06:00

Shortly after my brother had left the seminary, we ended up having a discussion on vocations and what we wanted in life. We had always been close and had always thought alike, often seemed to read each others minds n stuff :)

My brother knew that he wanted to marry, but he never gave his spiritual director a real reason for wanting the married state, so his director refused permission to leave the seminary (for anyone reading to whom that sounds "bad" my bro could leave anytime he wanted and that was very clear, but his adviser wanted him to give a solid reason for wanting to leave so he'd never regret his decision to leave). So finally, after months of discussing with his spiritual director, his decision was final and he knew why. Why he wanted to leave, why he would like the married state for his life.

My brother told me how Father had made him realize why he wished for the married life and no longer the religious life. Then he told me, you don't need to tell me what it is. It can be anything, but what is your reason for wanting to be married? You need a reason that you can always fall back on and remember when you're married of why you got married. Your reason will ensure that if ever you question yourself, you can look back and remember, yes, I want this because....

My reason? It starts like this: I want to share the rest of my life with my best friend....

Hope Remains

2008-12-18T15:16:00.001-06:00

I stepped outside, my heart sank.

Snow drifts to my knees...

Like the drifts around my heart,

Yes, the ones I've tried to hide.

Cold and high, they seem so unbearable

And, that, for I'm alone.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

One scoop, two scoops....

I am growing weary.

A love hate relationship:

The peace of possession,

But to live in and possess it,

I grow weary, though,

At times so safe and secure.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

I hate my dependence,

Snowfall does not need me.

The relation is all one side and yet, it sticks.

Snow never caring, always cold;

I always give my heart,

Oh I desire it could care.

I wish I you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

One difference of the snow...

There is no anxiety of when it may appear,

It is always expected at one time of year.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

No expectancy, no disappointment.

Shock to the System: I lost my past last night

2008-11-05T12:38:00.001-06:00

So yesterday I, ahem, deleted the wrong email address which meant my old blog of the same title got deleted..... I actually believe that I signed into and deleted the right one...but whatev.

The good thing is that I was able to recover most of my posts from the google caches of them. Yay!

It's wierd, like losing a part of myself :-P Sounds a little intense, I know, but it is, kinda like when I dropped my cell phone in the water with all my numbers.... But luckily with that, even though it shut off from all the water, I was able to take the phone apart to dry it out and it worked after that. ...with this email/blog deletion though...not really the option to get it back...though I kinda tried :) lol.