Hope...

"Hope in life ... comes outta nowhere ... Maybe some day it can be summoned :)" ~The Cass

A few weeks ago, I told someone something I'd never really said out loud.... Their one line of reply right before they passed out asleep was a bit of a blow to me. I know feelings and such change all the time....and what I think might change...I think it will, it's just a matter of "learning" about it....

But anyhow, that one little sentence hit me really hard...I felt a certain hope inside of me die. Even though I've a sick feeling in my gut that I'll never get to experience that, I have this little hope in my soul that God will help me learn what I need to. But with those words that night...that little flame of hope died. I turned over and lay staring into the night and the beginning of a dark night for my soul....

After that night I was stressed out a lot about everything. I started getting really tired and could hardly stand and stay awake for work. Hardly had the energy for anything...and yet I still wasn't admitting what was quietly stressing me out. I almost asked God for a txt to give me hope. Lol. I know that sounds really cracked.

I went to bed way early Thursday night...almost falling asleep just driving home. Slept pretty well but my eyes were still burning when I woke up. I was standing in the kitchen getting some breakfast ready, trying to not to remember how quiet and alone it felt in the silence of the house. when I heard the familiar sound of a txt message alert from my phone.

I wondered who it'd be so early in the morning... I didn't recognize the number but opened the txt and read it. "Hey sweetie you doing okay? Have a great weekend from Hounie @ MMI." It wasn't meant for me, but somehow, somewhere inside, it brought something alive in me. It gave me a hope somehow. I told them and we started chatting a little. It really made my day, and for once, at the end of the day, I was still happy and felt alive. I wasn't even tired and it had been a long day.

Thank God for a stranger named Hounie and a wrong number :-)

...and so my belief is, God txt me that day :-)

Summer Always Turns to Winter

We met in June, beginning of summer.
I didn't ask about your past, youth doesn't care.
We seemed to get along well enough,
Until I found you cared for me, and I for you.

In that first month we were always together
In the summer sun, with a few friends,
Under the stars, in the water, on the trails.
Ah youth in summertime, we were inseparable.

Then, almost of nowhere you showed you cared,
I had been oblivious until that letter came.
I was then at camp, you in another place.
How was I to know you'd grown a little fond?

But then, mid July, things started to change,
I saw you cared and was amazed,
I didn't know I cared, finally told you that.
Youth was broken, your childhood resurrecting.

Perhaps we both felt lost to degrees,
But as you ran for safety of childhood, I stood alone.
I came around quite often thinking, hoping
That youth was not so fragile, not only childhood strong.

By August we started seeing more our differences.
I saw them and tried to keep a smile.
You saw, tried to deal, and your heart started moving on.
Youth, it is so whimsical, childhood sees deeper.

Mid August the days grew colder,
We didn't see each other much anymore.
Youth is restless, I needed more activity;
Youthful friends don't last, only childhood persists.

I thought that we'd get back together,
And yet when summer came again,
We had outgrown youth and our friendship.
Youth matured to adult; only childhood friends remained.

Epilogue:
I found myself lost and alone at summer end,
Struggling through the winter months
But when June came again, youth was no more,
I was an adult they said.

As an adult, I have a hope
That adults and children are strong and true.
Youth is fickle, will my adulthood hold strong?
Please don't tell me, if I am wrong.

Not the Pickles!

Lol. I was snooping through the cupboards for an after lunch sweet snack and found some dried plums, pulled the can out to take one and noticed a jar of grape leaves (yes, canned grape leaves--so good rolled with hamburger and rice). So I pulled it out and turned around to face Mom sitting in the dining room and said, "Hey Mom can I buy these off ya?" Her face went into a shocked/horrified expression and she shouted, "THE PICKELS??" I stood there in shock for a moment while the look on her face and the words she said adjusted in my mind. Then I just started laughing uncontrollably! Finally she realized they were the grape leave... then said, "Oh!!! I thought you wanted my pickles...and I just bought the pickles for me yesterday!" Lol.

Maybe ya had to be there, but it was awesome! LOL

The Four Seasons whispering in my mind

As I left work today and started across the prairie towards home, I thought how things never really change, I'm still doing the same things, but the months fly by..... First, I remember driving across the prairie in the summertime. Warm days with the windows rolled down. Ah the evening breeze starting to come alive, throwing the scent of barbeques at my senses :-) The autumn and all the leaves are changing, that first day of hunting season is a smell, the smell of the frostbitten leaves. The fog is holding heavily to the ground and the only sign of a crossroad is the red flashing lights warning me of the stop sign.... I love the fog though somehow it scares me and then the memory of something a friend once wrote flashes in my mind and the fog becomes a ravenous wolf running after me.... Broken thoughts. The winter when sometimes the road seems to disappear and my teeth are still chattering because I forgot to warm my car up again.

And now...the window wipers are on, the world outside is drinking in for our summer greenery. I turn on my headlights, and notice, so does everyone else. I guess they too think the rain dims the world; a little blurry to the senses. ...all the seasons flash through my mind; it only took a second, and they were gone. Time passes, life seems to stay pretty much the same.

Then another train of thoughts come from the wipers going back and forth...the thoughts written by a friend of their fascination with the wipers as a child..... I hardly ever think about my childhood anymore. Only once in awhile some memory is thrust into consciousness, but otherwise I don't have many memories to look back on it seems.... But at least they are...for the most part...happy memories :-) Most of the time memories of Mom and what she used to do for us with the little we had :)

In the summer she'd always take us swimming, most often at a small man made lake near our home. But once in awhile, she'd take us to Palmer Lake twenty minutes away. When she took us there, she'd make us popcorn and put it in a brown paper bag and some sandwiches. The real treat was those few times she'd make a ton of pizza pocket sandwiches with her little sandwich toaster and put them in brow paper bag -- half full of pockets!!! The bags of sandwiches and popcorn with oil spots on them. Fond memories.

Lol. Was just thinking how we always used to have real butter, we'd never eat margarine...then things were getting tight and butter more expensive so Dad said we'd have to eat margarine and the butter was for Mom and Dad.... Dad had recently decided to give each of us kids $5 a month, so we took that money and bought each our own pack of butter! Lol. When Dad found out that's how we were spending our allowances, he was apparently a little embarrased or proud or a little of both, and Mom started buying us butter again. To this day we all love butter :-)

It still makes me laugh! Us kids were so serious about it! lol. We'd write our names on the butter pack and even make lines so no one else would take any! Then one day Dad opened the fridge and found all our packs with names and we told him he couldn't eat ours! LOL! I'm killing myself laughing here! He was all shocked! Mom went over to him with the fridge open and told him what we were doing....

Hmmm, well, I suppose it'd be good to go to sleep now since it's nearing 9:30pm.... Lol. I love to write! :-E (hmm, those bucky teeth don't work so well with this font...looks better in txting, cuz these ones look kinda crooked and evil! Reminds me of a vampire! :-) Anywho's, I'm off to bed! ...soon anyway.... ;-P

Why Get Married?

Shortly after my brother had left the seminary, we ended up having a discussion on vocations and what we wanted in life. We had always been close and had always thought alike, often seemed to read each others minds n stuff :)

My brother knew that he wanted to marry, but he never gave his spiritual director a real reason for wanting the married state, so his director refused permission to leave the seminary (for anyone reading to whom that sounds "bad" my bro could leave anytime he wanted and that was very clear, but his adviser wanted him to give a solid reason for wanting to leave so he'd never regret his decision to leave). So finally, after months of discussing with his spiritual director, his decision was final and he knew why. Why he wanted to leave, why he would like the married state for his life.

My brother told me how Father had made him realize why he wished for the married life and no longer the religious life. Then he told me, you don't need to tell me what it is. It can be anything, but what is your reason for wanting to be married? You need a reason that you can always fall back on and remember when you're married of why you got married. Your reason will ensure that if ever you question yourself, you can look back and remember, yes, I want this because....

My reason? It starts like this: I want to share the rest of my life with my best friend....

Hope Remains

I stepped outside, my heart sank.

Snow drifts to my knees...

Like the drifts around my heart,

Yes, the ones I've tried to hide.

Cold and high, they seem so unbearable

And, that, for I'm alone.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

One scoop, two scoops....

I am growing weary.

A love hate relationship:

The peace of possession,

But to live in and possess it,

I grow weary, though,

At times so safe and secure.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

I hate my dependence,

Snowfall does not need me.

The relation is all one side and yet, it sticks.

Snow never caring, always cold;

I always give my heart,

Oh I desire it could care.

I wish I you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

One difference of the snow...

There is no anxiety of when it may appear,

It is always expected at one time of year.

I wish you were here...

But then I wish you never were.

No expectancy, no disappointment.