"Out Damn Spot!"

This is a true story, I got this call at work...  and we have nothing to do with laundry...

"Hi I'm at a laundromat in -- and I put my clothes in the washer and put the quarters in, but now it won't open. How do I get my clothes back?! Your number is the only number here..."  not wanting to deal with him nor have to try to look up the laundromat in the system, I transferred him to customer service.

Then Jason comes over and asks, "Did you talk to that laundry guy?" and proceeds to tell me that the guy starts off just the same: "My clothes are stuck in the washer here at ---. I want them back! Who can I get to come and unlock it! Your number is the only number around here...." Jason looks up the address, but it's not in our system so the guy complains, "Well who am I supposed to call!? I want my clothes back! Do I just break it?" "Uh, I don't know...you could, but I wouldn't recommend it...I'm sorry I can't help you...."

Lol. Yeah, when I have a problem I just randomly pull some number off the nearest sign, advertisement, billboard to complain about a problem!

"bored now"

Mom wrote me a letter and told me how proud of me she is...and that dealing with my sis is proof of my strength, my greatness but... as much as I want to believe it, I still feel like a lost soul. Struggling to stay afloat.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do in life, but dude, it's kinda hard when there's nothing that I really seem to be leaning towards. Okay, that's not entirely true, there are several things, one I think I'd like, but, decisions are long for me.

"bored now"

Respite

You ever think that God lets a little flower grow in your path in the cement sidewalk or snow fall, even if not to stick, just for you? just to fulfill that wish in your heart that someone understood your pain, that someone really cares?

I sure do, and then it makes me remember, I am important to someone :-)

"Exile" written by Jimmy D. (13yrs)

Exile is like being thrown away
It's not being able to see day
Everything he cast aside
For that day he had to ride.

Exile is like Our Lord
Who resembles a broken sword
Thrown away by all mankind
A new home for Himself to find.

Exile is an unpleasant sight
When you have to go and fight
To earn yourself a home and bread
And a place to lay your head.

Exile makes you courageous
Teaches you not to be outrageous
Makes you meek and obedient
Helps you not to be lenient.

Exile seems to be bad
Living the life of a nomad
But great good can come from this
Grace from Heaven you'll never miss.

The Mission: Find a Goal!

I got a letter from a close friend last night; Sister put a little PS sticky note in with just a few lines on it.... It was to the effect of, "I don't think you'll be happy until you stop "running" from something, and start running towards a goal.  And that is all I will say."


Immediately as I read that, I thought of a blog I posted awhile back titled, "If life is boring, then likely you have no goals..." I don't know where I got that sentence, perhaps it was another friend of mine who spoke them to me at a time since passed.

Sometimes it really is the simplest of sentences that strike the most, eh? :-) I think I have some sort of goal, but there that darn Frustration Gap that some Mary Kay director was talking about...keeps getting my way! Lol. It's up to me to jump that gap, meaning I need to either change the goal or change the myself to meet my goal.

"And my only hope is that we will all meet in the end..."

I was thinking last week of my life here in SM...and thought, well, I just need to choose to be happy here. I can do that. I'll just be happy. Funny that a friend would tell me of someone who just decided that in the same week. :-)

Perhaps that thought came about because I was thinking back on all the posts I've written and the dark colors I like and thought, "Hmm...this is all very dark, I want to be happy now...."

Besides, a few weeks ago, I let one of my friends have the link to my blog, which I don't really let anyone have since they're just my thoughts and therefore they really seem dumb to me.... Well, knowing that there is a possibility that that person might read my posts, I don't want to sound as if I am always complaining. I mean, how boring would that be!? To read things that bring you down! So anyhow, I want to try to be more cheery and "think happy thoughts" and relate them here on my blog.... maybe thoughts with a picture to reflect it, something that is beautiful....

I crave beauty.

Autumn does that to me; I find something particularly beautiful in the earth's annual 'death".... There are so many vivid colors, so much beauty in it's death.... Isn't that's how our death should be? And God in His goodness shows us every year how our own deaths should be; beautiful. The earth mimics a human life in a way; we can learn so much just observing its seasons....

So I may be changing the template for my blog...gotta think about that one... :-)

Bad Dreams

Last night I'm pretty sure I had a series of stressed dreams.
The one I remember and that kept going through my mind after I woke up was of me and a group of college kids sitting in the grass in front of the girls dorm (there was no slope down the hill in front, was flat and grassy) then two people, the dean of the college and Dr. W, climbed out a top window of the dorm and onto a little half foot ledge and started inching around the building.

I looked up but wasn't really worried too much and just joked to the person saying, "Hey now why can't we do that?" and then he started showing off! All jumping and skipping on the tiny ledge then he dropped like he was going to do a push-up but as he went to pop back up, he somehow bounces off the ledge and fell to the ground where his body hit the ground "bouncing" once! As he was falling, my mind screamed no as I "knew" that this was for real and not just a dream he'd wake up from.... When he hit the ground I screamed and started crying and and yelling at the students, "Father! Father!" my voice in that horrible slow motion state where you can't move and your voice isn't even there. They ran to Dr. W, but I couldn't make myself even look at him; I couldn't believe I'd seen him fall to his death.

And that was how I still felt when I woke up! Bad feeling.

Crazy dream eh? And that was just as my alarm went off and I had been in a half asleep dream.... I hate when they feel real. Last weekend I woke up crying/not being able to breath and kept crying for a few seconds until I realized it was just that I was dreaming and that the people I "saw" were not actually real, they were from a movie I'd seen....

Can We Save the Planet?

Through all the news and such over the past few years, we've constantly heard that the earth is being depleted and that the oceans are "dying" as the plant life is dying. The scientist tell us that WE have to save the planet ...and then God strikes again! :-) The article below made me smile at God's sense of humor. Or at least He made me laugh ;-)


Austalian Dust Storms Cause Life Explosion

 

Dusty City | Discovery News Video

 

Oct. 7, 2009 -- The red dust storm that dumped thousands of tons of soil across eastern Australia two weeks ago has caused an explosion in microscopic life in Sydney Harbor and beyond.

Researchers analyzing the impact say the finding validates plans to increase fish stocks to feed some of the world's poorest people using ocean fertilization.

All you wanted

The soundtrack when I woke this morn...

"How was I supposed to know
She was slowly letting go?
If I was putting her through hell,
Hell I couldn't tell.

She could've given me a sign
And opened up my eyes
How was I supposed to see?
She never cried in front of me."

It was for the first time
That I'd seen her eyes cry'n.
A smile alive on her face,
E'en her eyes gave no trace;
Her mind so well trained
The smile never feigned.
But what I didn't know,
Her heart wasn't full' aglow;
Oh but how could it be
When it yearned to love thee?!
Thrown to the wayside
Shunned from her monther's side!
For you my heart broke,
And wished I hadn't spoke.
Ah now I know why on the phone,
There's silent sadness to your tone.

Jealousy is not something I experience so much...

There have been only a few times in my life that I've become speechless.... It has only been with my closest friends, and it just came to me that perhaps I am speechless because I am content with them being themselves, with me being myself. I am content with our friendship and nothing could make me happier but to see them.

If I am thinking beyond that moment of happiness, then obviously I wasn't so happy that my whole being was filled. That's my theory anyhow. Lol. My mind has a bent towards the serious, for sure, and solving problems. But imagine, there are times when I know I'm safe from criticisms from "friends" about how I need to do this and not be so serious and blah blah, which are needless. Yes, times when we both know and experience things the same way that we both are content to hold the moment.

Hope...

"Hope in life ... comes outta nowhere ... Maybe some day it can be summoned :)" ~The Cass

A few weeks ago, I told someone something I'd never really said out loud.... Their one line of reply right before they passed out asleep was a bit of a blow to me. I know feelings and such change all the time....and what I think might change...I think it will, it's just a matter of "learning" about it....

But anyhow, that one little sentence hit me really hard...I felt a certain hope inside of me die. Even though I've a sick feeling in my gut that I'll never get to experience that, I have this little hope in my soul that God will help me learn what I need to. But with those words that night...that little flame of hope died. I turned over and lay staring into the night and the beginning of a dark night for my soul....

After that night I was stressed out a lot about everything. I started getting really tired and could hardly stand and stay awake for work. Hardly had the energy for anything...and yet I still wasn't admitting what was quietly stressing me out. I almost asked God for a txt to give me hope. Lol. I know that sounds really cracked.

I went to bed way early Thursday night...almost falling asleep just driving home. Slept pretty well but my eyes were still burning when I woke up. I was standing in the kitchen getting some breakfast ready, trying to not to remember how quiet and alone it felt in the silence of the house. when I heard the familiar sound of a txt message alert from my phone.

I wondered who it'd be so early in the morning... I didn't recognize the number but opened the txt and read it. "Hey sweetie you doing okay? Have a great weekend from Hounie @ MMI." It wasn't meant for me, but somehow, somewhere inside, it brought something alive in me. It gave me a hope somehow. I told them and we started chatting a little. It really made my day, and for once, at the end of the day, I was still happy and felt alive. I wasn't even tired and it had been a long day.

Thank God for a stranger named Hounie and a wrong number :-)

...and so my belief is, God txt me that day :-)

Summer Always Turns to Winter

We met in June, beginning of summer.
I didn't ask about your past, youth doesn't care.
We seemed to get along well enough,
Until I found you cared for me, and I for you.

In that first month we were always together
In the summer sun, with a few friends,
Under the stars, in the water, on the trails.
Ah youth in summertime, we were inseparable.

Then, almost of nowhere you showed you cared,
I had been oblivious until that letter came.
I was then at camp, you in another place.
How was I to know you'd grown a little fond?

But then, mid July, things started to change,
I saw you cared and was amazed,
I didn't know I cared, finally told you that.
Youth was broken, your childhood resurrecting.

Perhaps we both felt lost to degrees,
But as you ran for safety of childhood, I stood alone.
I came around quite often thinking, hoping
That youth was not so fragile, not only childhood strong.

By August we started seeing more our differences.
I saw them and tried to keep a smile.
You saw, tried to deal, and your heart started moving on.
Youth, it is so whimsical, childhood sees deeper.

Mid August the days grew colder,
We didn't see each other much anymore.
Youth is restless, I needed more activity;
Youthful friends don't last, only childhood persists.

I thought that we'd get back together,
And yet when summer came again,
We had outgrown youth and our friendship.
Youth matured to adult; only childhood friends remained.

Epilogue:
I found myself lost and alone at summer end,
Struggling through the winter months
But when June came again, youth was no more,
I was an adult they said.

As an adult, I have a hope
That adults and children are strong and true.
Youth is fickle, will my adulthood hold strong?
Please don't tell me, if I am wrong.

Not the Pickles!

Lol. I was snooping through the cupboards for an after lunch sweet snack and found some dried plums, pulled the can out to take one and noticed a jar of grape leaves (yes, canned grape leaves--so good rolled with hamburger and rice). So I pulled it out and turned around to face Mom sitting in the dining room and said, "Hey Mom can I buy these off ya?" Her face went into a shocked/horrified expression and she shouted, "THE PICKELS??" I stood there in shock for a moment while the look on her face and the words she said adjusted in my mind. Then I just started laughing uncontrollably! Finally she realized they were the grape leave... then said, "Oh!!! I thought you wanted my pickles...and I just bought the pickles for me yesterday!" Lol.

Maybe ya had to be there, but it was awesome! LOL

The Four Seasons whispering in my mind

As I left work today and started across the prairie towards home, I thought how things never really change, I'm still doing the same things, but the months fly by..... First, I remember driving across the prairie in the summertime. Warm days with the windows rolled down. Ah the evening breeze starting to come alive, throwing the scent of barbeques at my senses :-) The autumn and all the leaves are changing, that first day of hunting season is a smell, the smell of the frostbitten leaves. The fog is holding heavily to the ground and the only sign of a crossroad is the red flashing lights warning me of the stop sign.... I love the fog though somehow it scares me and then the memory of something a friend once wrote flashes in my mind and the fog becomes a ravenous wolf running after me.... Broken thoughts. The winter when sometimes the road seems to disappear and my teeth are still chattering because I forgot to warm my car up again.

And now...the window wipers are on, the world outside is drinking in for our summer greenery. I turn on my headlights, and notice, so does everyone else. I guess they too think the rain dims the world; a little blurry to the senses. ...all the seasons flash through my mind; it only took a second, and they were gone. Time passes, life seems to stay pretty much the same.

Then another train of thoughts come from the wipers going back and forth...the thoughts written by a friend of their fascination with the wipers as a child..... I hardly ever think about my childhood anymore. Only once in awhile some memory is thrust into consciousness, but otherwise I don't have many memories to look back on it seems.... But at least they are...for the most part...happy memories :-) Most of the time memories of Mom and what she used to do for us with the little we had :)

In the summer she'd always take us swimming, most often at a small man made lake near our home. But once in awhile, she'd take us to Palmer Lake twenty minutes away. When she took us there, she'd make us popcorn and put it in a brown paper bag and some sandwiches. The real treat was those few times she'd make a ton of pizza pocket sandwiches with her little sandwich toaster and put them in brow paper bag -- half full of pockets!!! The bags of sandwiches and popcorn with oil spots on them. Fond memories.

Lol. Was just thinking how we always used to have real butter, we'd never eat margarine...then things were getting tight and butter more expensive so Dad said we'd have to eat margarine and the butter was for Mom and Dad.... Dad had recently decided to give each of us kids $5 a month, so we took that money and bought each our own pack of butter! Lol. When Dad found out that's how we were spending our allowances, he was apparently a little embarrased or proud or a little of both, and Mom started buying us butter again. To this day we all love butter :-)

It still makes me laugh! Us kids were so serious about it! lol. We'd write our names on the butter pack and even make lines so no one else would take any! Then one day Dad opened the fridge and found all our packs with names and we told him he couldn't eat ours! LOL! I'm killing myself laughing here! He was all shocked! Mom went over to him with the fridge open and told him what we were doing....

Hmmm, well, I suppose it'd be good to go to sleep now since it's nearing 9:30pm.... Lol. I love to write! :-E (hmm, those bucky teeth don't work so well with this font...looks better in txting, cuz these ones look kinda crooked and evil! Reminds me of a vampire! :-) Anywho's, I'm off to bed! ...soon anyway.... ;-P

Why Get Married?

Shortly after my brother had left the seminary, we ended up having a discussion on vocations and what we wanted in life. We had always been close and had always thought alike, often seemed to read each others minds n stuff :)

My brother knew that he wanted to marry, but he never gave his spiritual director a real reason for wanting the married state, so his director refused permission to leave the seminary (for anyone reading to whom that sounds "bad" my bro could leave anytime he wanted and that was very clear, but his adviser wanted him to give a solid reason for wanting to leave so he'd never regret his decision to leave). So finally, after months of discussing with his spiritual director, his decision was final and he knew why. Why he wanted to leave, why he would like the married state for his life.

My brother told me how Father had made him realize why he wished for the married life and no longer the religious life. Then he told me, you don't need to tell me what it is. It can be anything, but what is your reason for wanting to be married? You need a reason that you can always fall back on and remember when you're married of why you got married. Your reason will ensure that if ever you question yourself, you can look back and remember, yes, I want this because....

My reason? It starts like this: I want to share the rest of my life with my best friend....